It happens every year. You get these wildly ambitious ideas about making a costume, forget to buy anything, wait until the last minute, then wind up scrambling. We know the syndrome. And we can help.

1. In this age of self-help, it’s OK to go public with your FREUDIAN SLIP. Wear a dress slip and a DR. FREUD name tag, and carry a big unlit cigar. Then corner people on the couch. Materials: slip, cigar, HELLO MY NAME IS … sticker.

2. Ever wonder what Ronald McDonald does during off-hours? How does he live when he’s not filming ads or scaring small children? Does he hit the links, brandy in hand, wearing a pink Polo shirt and plaid trousers? Maybe he sports a pack of Luckies, pulls on a trench coat, and trolls the seedier side of town. Live your MAC DADDY fantasy. Materials: red wig, face paint, McDonald’s logo cut from a french fries box and pinned to your lapel or hung on a beefy gold chain.

3. HELL’S BELLS DJ: Grab a pair of headphones and some death metal records from a local thrift store. [Your local thrift store has death metal? Address?! –Ed.] Dress badly: Dig out that old AC/DC tour shirt and make two little construction paper cones to pin in your hair as horns. Materials: construction paper, tour shirt, death metal records, headphones painted red.

4. SURREALIST PAINTER: Wear painter’s pants or overalls, and a painter’s cap turned backward. Carry a brush glued full of artificial flowers or other plastic doodads. If you do impressions, be an IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER. Groan. Materials: overalls, cap, paint can, paintbrush, glue, plastic doodads.

5. BEAT POET: Man, those poetry slams are rough. Give Ginsberg, Kerouac, and the rest of the boys a run for their money by donning a beret, painting your eye black and blue, and wrapping yourself in bandages. Plan ahead and grow a goatee. Materials: black turtleneck, beret, bandages, black eyeliner, book of poetry (Howl suits Halloween nicely).

6. Famous worldwide, the AMERICAN TOURIST is easy to imitate. White socks and sandals are de rigueur. Add Bermuda shorts and a short-sleeve button-down shirt (preferably Hawaiian) and salaam, you’re Al Qaeda’s moving target. Materials: Hawaiian shirt, map, camera, wraparound sunglasses, suitcase with BUY AMERICAN! stickers.

7. CEREAL KILLER: Work out childhood repression the inexpensive way. Stab a Trix box with a dull knife (or a sharp one—give that crazy rabbit what he deserves). Tape the knife in position and spatter the wound with fake blood. Strap the box to your chest or wear it on your head. Materials: dull knife, tissue paper, fake blood, cereal box.

8. DROWNED RAT: Make cardboard concrete boots to clomp around in. Paint your face a morbid pale blue. Tangle yourself in fishing line and stick a plastic fish in your pocket. Materials: cardboard, face paint, fishing line, plastic fish.

9. If you’re planning to do serious damage this Halloween, consider being BUBBLE-WRAP MAN. Shroud yourself in packing material and hotties will be popping you all night. Getting fall-down drunk is just part of the look. Materials: bubble wrap, packing tape.

10. Anyone can dress as an angel, but how fun are they? Work, work, work. Piety, piety, piety. It’s FALLEN ANGELS that have all the fun. Make yourself a tarnished halo from a wire hanger. Wear a toga with burn marks and slits in the back where your wings were clipped. Materials: sheet, matches (for burn marks), scissors, wire hanger.

11. Grab an old Polaroid and you’re PAPARAZZI GUY. The beautiful people are stepping out tonight. Carry a fake press pass and as many cameras as you can carry. Shoot anything that moves. Materials: cameras, press pass (use an old ID picture), flashlight (for spotting celebs).

12. You’re the hero of the watercooler, STAPLER MAN! Staple a tie and cape to your suit. Fashion a hanger into a giant staple, then wear it as a belt. Better yet, shape a bunch of hangers into staples, glue them together, and wear them as a bulletproof vest. The impression is stronger when Bubble-Wrap Man and Stapler Man work together to save the day job. Materials: wire hangers, cape or bedsheet dyed red or black, tie, oxford shirt, blazer, staple gun.

13. Halloween costumes are best when scary, but vampires and werewolves don’t have the punch they once did. For a more modern fright, be as nondescript as possible. Remember, PSYCHO KILLERS look like everyone else. Materials: sick sense of humor.