Using nasty chemicals in the same place you cook your food just doesn’t make sense. Would you picnic at a Superfund site? So why stir-fry in one? Back when cod liver oil ruled the day, household cleansers were pantry staples that left everything fresh as a May morning. This year, revert to those timehonored alternatives, and let the guys in white jumpsuits take care of the skull and crossbones stuff.

INGREDIENTS:
White vinegar: cleans and shines
Baking soda: scours and deodorizes
Lemon juice: bleaches and freshens
Ammonia: kills the critters (ants and roaches)
Boric acid powder (Borax): scrubs and disinfects
Liquid soap: washes without abrasion
Hydrogen peroxide: bleaches
Oil soap: cleans no-wax floors

TOOLS:
Vacuum cleaner, broom, dustpan, rags, sponges (the kind with a scrubby side), bucket, sponge mop, squirt bottle, old newspapers

Did you notice paper towels do not appear on this list? That’s because PTs are evil. Most are chemically bleached, and they suffer from the one-use-only problem. Anything a PT can do a rag can do better.

SPRING SCRUB DOWN RECIPES

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER
1 cup baking soda
1 cup ammonia
1 cup white vinegar
1 gallon warm water

MILDEW REMOVER
1 cup hydrogen peroxide
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon borax

Spray tile and grout with hydrogen peroxide, then scrub with a thin paste of lemon juice and borax.

GLASS AND CHROME CLEANER
1 cup white vinegar
1 gallon water

SCOURING POWDER
1 cup baking soda
1 cup borax
11/2 cups hot water

FLOOR CLEANER
1 cup white vinegar
1 gallon water

If your floor requires waxing, dampen a mop with oil soap before cleaning. Polish with club soda and rinse with skim milk and water for a high shine.

BAKED-ON FOOD SOLUTION
3 teaspoons baking soda
2 tablespoons liquid soap

Mix enough solution so it fills the pot and covers the burned-on food. Put pot on stove and boil for 15 minutes. Let cool, discard solution, and wash pot with soap.

Alright, let’s get started. A room should be cleaned from the top down. Why? Because that’s how gravity works, and who are we to challenge the laws of nature? But before we begin, let’s clear those dishes from last night. Or was it last week? Hello baked-on food recipe! I probably don’t need to tell you how to wash dishes, but I will tell you what kind of soap you’re going to use from now on: phosphate-free soap. Phosphates are put in most store-bought detergents as a water-softening agent. Once discarded, they drain into lakes and streams, causing what’s known as algae bloom. This glut of green stuff uses up an enormous amount of oxygen needed by other plants and marine life to survive. The result: our waterways become moribund. 

CEILING: Have you looked up recently? Remember that spaghetti sauce you made a few months ago? And the corn fritters everybody loved? They’re still up there. Get your sponge mop and a bucket of All-Purpose Cleaner. Dampen mop and apply. While you’re up there, take a look at the light fixtures. They probably need a little de-mothing. If they’re glass, remove and wash. 

WALLS: Keep going with that mop, baby. Don’t bother with the ceiling drool pooling on the floor. We’ll take care of that at the end. Gravity, remember? 

CABINETS, DRAWERS, AND DOORS: OK, time for a fresh bucket of All-Purpose and a switch from mop to sponge or rag. A quick wipe-down is probably all the cabinets need. Make sure you open all the drawers and doors, and clean the insides. Shelves may require more elbow grease. Scrub the undersides first, as the muck will drip down onto the next shelf. 

RANGE AND OVEN: For these areas you’ll need the Scouring Powder and a sponge. Baking soda is a natural grease cutter. Don’t let me catch you using C__t or A__x again. If your oven has industrial-strength stains, use a little Bon Ami (a non-chlorine cleanser). This will be the most knuckle-grinding of your tasks. But you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to rinse off the low-tech alternatives. 

REFRIGERATOR: Use the Scouring Powder. Wash the outside first, then attack the top (it’s alive!). Remove shelves and bins, and wash separately. Wipe down the interior walls. Make sure you clean the door gasket— dried-on food can clog the seal and waste energy. Also, the condenser coils on the back or bottom of your fridge are probably covered in dust. Grab the vacuum and suck those bunnies up. 

COUNTERS AND SINKS: We’re in the home stretch now. Keep on with the Scouring Powder and sponge. When you’re done scrubbing and rinsing, finish with a wash of Mildew Remover and wipe clean. 

CHROME AND WINDOWS: Use the Glass Cleaner for surfaces that show streaks. Remember: Newspapers leave less pulp behind than paper towels. 

FLOORS: Use the All-Purpose or no-wax floor recipe for your kitchen and mop up the damage. Use a little baking soda or borax for tough spots. 

CREEPY CRAWLIES: No one likes company of the six-legged sort. But must you use deadly pesticides? Most are insoluble in water, meaning they stick around for a long time and can poison your cat or dog, not to mention you. Accumulation of toxic chemicals in the body has been linked to all kinds of lethal diseases. Is the convenience of the no-pest strip really worth the risk? A trick I learned as a little girl is to use eucalyptus cloves to keep the nasties from crashing your kitchen in the first place. The tree’s oil extract will do the trick, too. 

If ants and roaches have already pitched their tents, they can be deterred with any number of beastly brews. Mix 9 teaspoons of light corn syrup with 1 teaspoon of boric acid powder (found at any hardware store). Add a drop of the sticky stuff to a scrap of cardboard and place it where the critters invade. They’ll gobble it up, then bring back leftovers to home base. Or dilute equal parts boric acid and sugar in a little water. Place this treat in jar lids or cutdown paper cups and deposit under sinks and along baseboards. If that doesn’t attract the roaches, try sugar and baking soda. This mixture may seem innocent enough, (makes for good cookies, right?) but it turns bugs’ body fluids into water, creating gas that will literally blow them up. Good-bye, Orkin Man! If you have grease-loving mites, combine 1 tablespoon boric acid with lard or shortening until crumbly, and leave in dark corners. 

SPRING SCENTS: If you have a garbage disposal, throw some lemon rinds down the drain and grind away odors with those citrusy phenols. Old school kitchens should cook up a potpourri boil. Combine aromatics—cloves, cinnamon, bay leaves, lavender, and lemon rinds—in a saucepan and let the herbal brew steam up your windows. 

Ever get that nagging feeling after a big cleanup that you aren’t quite done? Here’s what you may have missed: 

AIR VENTS: The lungs of your central air and heating system are an important line of defense against dust and airborne crud. They deserve a little love once a year. Vacuum or towel dust bunnies away. If air filters are beyond repair, give them a decent burial—21 gun salute, burning Viking boat, or plastic bag and twist tie. 

FURNITURE: Rugs, curtains, upholstery—if it’s covered with cloth and you can’t get it into the washing machine, take it outside and beat it with a stick. This helps work through post-cleaning aggression while shaking free dust. If the fabric has picked up pet odors, sprinkle it with baking soda, wait 15 minutes, then vacuum. 

PLANTS: Just because they’re alive doesn’t mean they know how to clean up after themselves (hello, boyfriend). Use a spray bottle to moisten flora, then pull a soft rag gently over and between the leaves. Transfer larger, fuller plants to the shower for a good drenching. 

GROUT: Cleaning the shower is a multitasking business. Curtains and rubber mats collect mildew and hard water deposits, so scrub ’em with baking soda, then air out in the sun.